Crackland
by emeraldgeminideathboar
Summary: A series of short crack one-shots, Kurofai. Chapter two  Dracula: What happens when Fai picks which TV channel to watch and it just so happens to be a old monster movie
1. WiFai

**Hello and welcome to Crackland, hope you enjoy your stay and I encourage you to visit again**

**Chapter One~ WiFai: What happens when Kurogane accidentally infects his computer with a blonde haired blue eyed virus  
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Kurogane Suwa was not the type to decorate his house with things that had no use in his everyday life. According to him if an item would just sit in the corner of his room and collect dust then he would just get rid of it, even if said item had sentimental value or even if it was just for decoration and supposed to collect dust. Really if something did not have any use why keep it.

"Hey Kurogane, why do you never use the computer you have in your room?"

"Because what do I need a stupid computer for it just takes up space," Kurogane answered. It was twelve o'clock in the afternoon the exact time lunch break started at construction site that Kurogane worked at. He had sat down not too long ago with his partner Soma and they began to eat.

"Well you know how you said that you don't keep anything that just takes up space... I was just wondering if you would let me have it?" Soma replied. Kurogane turned to look at her of course she would want his computer almost everyone he met did, for he was lucky (or unlucky as he would say) enough to be best friends with the head of one of the most popular computer designers in the world and she made sure to give hi the most ridiculous over expensive popular model she had for free.

"I can't Tomoyo said she wants me to keep it and that if I don't then she will personally make my life a living hell."

"Wow isn't that blackmail?" Soma asked.

"Yeah never put it past Tomoyo to do something like that," the male grumbled, "She said that she wanted me to experience the wonders of the online world whatever the hell that means." Kurogane finished finally taking a big bite of the food he had sitting in his lap the entire time he had been talking.

"You know I think that was very sweet of her, you should at least try it out. You know to make Tomoyo happy, plus if you do start using it then it won't just be useless." Soma reasoned with the taller.

"You really think it will make her less of a bitch?" Kurogane asked thoughtfully as if the answer to the universe just fell into his hands.

"Well I guess that's one way of putting it..." Soma sighed Kurogane really never changed, he was always so brutish and unrefined.

"Alright then tonight I'll use the computer for the first time."

Kurogane was now face to face with the incarnation of pure evil also known as a computer._ Alright then how do you turn this thing on? _He thought to himself. Finally after ten minutes of investigation he figured out that there was a small button on the side of the monitor.

Suddenly the computer sprang to life, bright colors flashed everywhere and Kurogane suddenly remembered why he was always avoided this device, silently sighing he waited for the computer to finish loading. Once it did he looked at all of the junk that Tomoyo had already put on his desktop. Folders filled the screen and Kurogane not wanting to even look at any of the clicked on the only thing that looked familiar to him, the icon a picture of the world with a small fox was surrounding it.

Welcome to Firefox, the computer read after he clicked on the picture._ So this must be the internet,_ Kurogane reasoned. Quietly he began to internet surf, there was nothing that he really wanted to search so he found himself looking u random topics like How to Tame a Lion or Give that boat of yours a nice waxing.

He was getting bored and told himself that he was going to turn off the computer soon if he did not find anything interesting in the next four minutes. As if some celestial being was listing to his thoughts the second he clicked onto a website about pickled eggplants something strange happened, another window besides the one about food popped up it read...

**CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE THE 1000000TH VISITOR OF THIS SITE**

***CLICK HERE TO RECEIVE YOUR MILLION DOLLAR AWARD***

Kurogane was shocked this was the first time he had ever won anything in his life, was this all true, was he really going to receive a million dollars? _Maybe it was not such a bad idea to get on the computer._ Just the though of what he could do with that money was enough to make him eagerly click on the CLICK HERE button.

However the second he did so something strange happened instead of it taking him to a site where he could get the money his entire computer froze, strange colors appeared on his screen as another window suddenly popped up. This one did not carry any good news.

**Warning virus detected**

The message said along with an entire page full of fine print about the threat.

**Trojan horse detected**

_What the hell is a Trojan horse!_ Kurogane was now panicking although he did not know much about computer he defiantly knew viruses were bad.

**Ten Trojan horses detected**

_Ah shit..._

**One Hundred Trojan horses detected**

Kurogane now in confused rage did the only thing he thought would fix the problem, he turned off the computer. Slowly regaining his breath and scattered wits he decided that the best course of action was to turn the computer back on and check out the damage. He pushed the on button once again silently hoping that everything would be okay. _Tomoyo is going to kill me if the computer is ruined!_

Slowly the computer stared up again once it finished loading it took Kurogane back to his desktop page, he scanned the entirety of the computer looking for effects of the viruses but found nothing, _Does not look like there is anything out of the ordinary,_ he thought to himself.

Kurogane let out a relieved sigh, it seems he did the right thing. He was about to close the computer screen when something random happened. A figure which looked like one of a human walked across the screen of his computer. Rubbing his eyes to see if he was hallucinating he got a closer look at the figure. It was a blonde man with blue eyes, he was about the size of one of the desktop icons and he seemed to be inside the computer.

"Hey why are you staring at me?" the man asked as if it were perfectly normal to be inside a computer.

"What the hell?" Kurogane found himself saying, "How the hell are you in my computer? How did you get here? Who are you?"

The blonde figure turned his head to the side like a confused kitten as he jumped onto one of the file folder on Kurogane's desktop trying to climb to the top of the screen so that he would be about eye level with the other. "What do you mean how did I get here? You invited me to come when all of the ponies came to play, now its just me though, I got rid of the ponies because they were causing some major trouble for your computer. I'm glad you asked who I am since I really hear that no one cares for my kind, I'm a F.A.Y but most people just call me Fai."

_He came with the Trojan horses? Then does that mean..._ "Are you another virus?" Kurogane asked narrowing his eyes.

"Wow you're so smart, yes I am a virus- thank you for inviting me to come to your computer it was really lonely with just the ponies. They are not good company, all they ever do is stand around and pretend to be made of wood. So might I ask your name?"

"Its Kurogane," the raven said before he could catch himself. He really did not want to tell the virus anything, the one rule know about computers was that viruses where never good to have around.

"Kurogane? Hmm I never heard that name before, it sounds so dark and scary how about I call you something else?"

"No" Kurogane immediately responded.

"How about Kuro-rin or Kuro-tan?" the blonde asked.

Kurogane felt the need to smack the computer screen, maybe if he hit it hard enough then it would hurt the virus as well. "CALL ME KUROGANE NOTHING ELSE!" he boomed.

"Hehehe Kuro-chi is very funny," Fai giggled.

"If your going to call me that then I'm just going to turn off the computer!" The raven threatened.

"Oh well I'm sorry to break it to you Kuro-quit but I won't let you do that," the virus said mysteriously.

"Like I need your permission to use MY computer," Kurogane snapped back as he dragged the mouse towards the shut down button at the bottom of the screen. Suddenly in a blur of moves to fast to keep track of Fai jumped over from his spot on a icon to the mouse and held on to it tightly redirecting the mouse away from the shut down button. "Hey what the hell are you doing?"

"I'm making sure that you don't turn off the computer, how can I talk to my new favorite buddy if I can't see or hear him?" Fai asked.

"Your on my computer so you have to do what I say!" Kurogane demanded.

The virus hummed softly, "Not exactly Kuro-smart, you forget I'm a virus I can do what ever I want to a computer and its not like you can stop me."

The raven then knew that the virus was going to be nothing but trouble- he sighed, "What are you going to do then?"

"I don't know... ooo wait a moment how about we play hide and go seek?" The blonde asked with enthusiasm that really should have belonged to an eight year old child.

"Oh hell no I'm not going to-" Kurogane was interrupted, by Fai speaking again.

"Alright then, Kuro-san you're going to have to find me!" and with that last sentence the blonde disappeared.

Kurogane really did not want to go looking for an idiot virus but he figured that if he did not Fai would mess up something of his for not trying to find him.

It took him about thirty minutes to look through all of the files he had on the computer- the only one he did not open was the one he was avoiding for obvious reasons, it was titled _Childhood Memories. _He let out a soft sigh as he clicked on the file folder. He immediately saw Fai the second it was opened- the blond was looking at a few of the pictures in the folder smiling as he did so. Kurogane could not see why Fai had such an amused look on his face until he spotted what exactly was on the picture. It was a photo of himself when he was about three years old, his back was turned to the camera and he was not wearing any clothes.

"Aww Kuro-kid looked so cute when he was little," The virus teased as he let out a small giggle.

Kurogane could not hold back a blush as he cursed his parents for taking that picture of him, Tomoyo for putting that picture on his computer and the blonde for looking at such a thing, "That's it blondie!" The raven growled as he moved the mouse towards Fai clicked on him and dragged him into the trash bin.

Fai giggled some more as he poked his head out of the can, the lid balancing on his head like a hat. "You can't get rid of me that easily," he stated factually.

"Then maybe I should just get rid of this computer, smash it up into little bits with you along with it!" he replied harshly.

This comment immediately stopped Fai's laughter, his blue eyes widened as he sunk back down into the bin. It was then that Kurogane felt like the biggest asshole in the world, he saw the look on Fai's face- it was one of pure hurt.

Kurogane knew he was going to have to apologize, virus or not this F.A.Y seemed to have feelings and although the raven did seem like a brute at times he did not really like to purposely hurt people. Deciding about what he was going to say he double clicked on the trash bin to find the blonde inside of it crying.

Fai looked up at him, teary eyes made contact with red ones, "Look blondie I didn't mean It, I just-"

"Of course you meant it, I understand were you're coming from- I mean who would want a virus bothering them? I'm just meant to destroy, it is the only reason I exist. I'm terrible, really the only fitting thing for me is to be deleted."

Kurogane for the first time wished that he could enter his computer so that he could smack the idiot virus upside the head, "Are you trying to be an idiot or are you just a natural dumb ass? Who cares if you were just made to destroy that does not mean you have to do it. Just being created is not a reason to think that you have to be deleted!"

"Kurogane?" Fai whispered softly, "You really think so?"

"Of course I do! And it's about time you called me my real name."

"Oh Kuro-sama don't get used to it, that was a once in a life time event," Fai gave a soft smile as he climbed out of the trash bin and back onto the desktop. "Thank you for telling me what you thought. I'm am very grateful." the blonde gave a small bow as he finished speaking.

Kurogane blushed a bit again, "Whatever just go hide again and I'll find you."

"Alright, but this time it won't be so easy, I don't think you will be able to find me~" Fai teased.

"Watch me." Kurogane smirked, maybe having a virus around was not so bad.

**Ah if only all viruses were as awesome as Fai is, then I would not care if I got any :D**


	2. Dracula

**Thank you for returning to Crackland admission will be one review please **

**Chapter two~ Dracula: What happens when Fai picks which TV channel to watch and it just so happens to be a old monster movie **

"Wow did you see that Kuro-tan, he can turn into a bat, did you see it!" Fai exclaimed excitedly as he shoved more popcorn into his mouth and continued to stare that the movie that was currently airing on TV. Kurogane sighed, why in the world did he let Fai pick the channel they were going to watch?

It had been approximately a year since they had defeated Fei Wang Reed and left with Syaoran on his new quest to find the clones. They had been to many new worlds since then, and every time they found a world with the device called television Fai always claimed the right to picking what they would watch. For some reason the blonde would just love to see what the worlds' outlook on different topics were.

This one time Fai decided to marathon the first three movies of a series that went by the name Harry Potter because he wanted to see what the portrayal of wizards was like in that world. He was very amused constantly pointing out all of the misconceptions of the wizards in the show. As a wizard himself he was slightly disappointed in how they were made out to be however. But at least that time was much better then the time he saw a vampire movie by the name of Twilight, Kurogane had never seen something full of so much shit before and by the end of it he wanted to trow up. Fai on the other hand was laughing the entire movie and still could not get over the fact that something of this criteria existed.

Now it seems as if Fai got his hands on another vampire movie, however this one seemed to catch the blondes attention and he appeared to really like the movie. "Kuro-chi I wish I could do that, how fun it must be to be able to fly."

"Idiot you already know how to fly, with your magic remember?" Kurogane answered exasperatedly.

"I know that but this is something completely different, it really is becoming a completely different creature, and along with healing magic the only other magic I could never learn was transformation magic." Fai let out a happy sigh as he pictured what it must be like to be able to transform.

"Really why would you want to be like this character he can't go out in the sunlight or he will burn up, that is the most retarded thing I have ever heard, even the vampire twins themselves told us that those superstitions were false."

"Ah Kuro, I already cannot go in the sun for long I sunburn easily- its not good for me, coming from a cold snowy country I never really encountered the sun before I went with you guys to get Sakura's feathers."

"Really blondie do you have to be-"

"Shhh Kuro a virgin maiden is about to meet her demise," Fai shussed as he turned his attention back to the movies and put some more popcorn in his mouth.

On the screen the vampire hypnotized a young woman as he moved close enough to wrap his cape around her, turning her head to the side he pulled back his lips to reveal his fangs that were so long Kurogane had to wonder how he did not accidentally cut himself when his mouth was closed. The vampire pulled back the collar of the woman's shirt and broke the delicate skin beneath.

Just as that happened Fai turned his head way from the screen closing his eyes missing the whole feeding scene. Kurogane noticed he turned to look at the blonde. "Hey wizard what's wrong?"

"Nothing," Fai answered still keeping his eyes closed.

"Really then why won't you open your eyes?" Kurogane asked, the raven had an idea why the blonde turned away at that particular scene but he was not going to say anything until his suspicions were confirmed.

Fai gave a soft sigh as he slowly opened his eyes, the blue hue that usually shone bright in his eyes was replaced by a sinister looking golden color his pupil becoming more of a silt then a round shape.

Kurogane was not surprised he had guessed that was the problem all along. "Why are we watching this kind of movie if it is just going to make your cravings reawaken?"

They had succeeded in retuning Fai's eye to him and now Fai had the ability to suppress his vampyric nature with his growing magical power. However sometimes certain events would trigger Fai's bloodlust to act up again, whether that was getting too injured or just having a vivid reminder of how he used to bite into Kurogane's flesh for nutrition. Apparently it was the latter.

"Heh I did not think it would be that bad, I figured If I turned away at those parts I would not react to it." The blonde gave a slight smile as if he was trying to reassure someone that he was telling the truth. The smile did mot last long however soon more sounds emanated from the television the sound of the vampire pulling away from the maiden and moaning in ecstasy. Fai tried to block out the all too familiar sound by putting his hands over his ears but it was not working.

Kurogane seeing how the movie continued to affect the wizard grabbed the remote and shut off the television. "Next time I'm going to be the one that picks what we watch."

Fai gave a slight nod as he grabbed his popcorn bag and put it on the table next to him, it looked like he was going to walk away- but before he could something grabbed him by his sleeve. The blonde turned to see it was Kurogane's hand that was holding onto him. "Where are you going?" The raven asked.

"I'm going to bed, if I go to sleep now then by the time I wake up I'll be back to normal." Kurogane knew that was true, when Fai's vampire side reawakened all he really needed to do was get some rest and his magic would take care of the rest and suppress his other side. However this usually took a lot out of the blonde and by morning he was completely exhausted- both of them knew the only other way to calm the vampire was to give it what it wanted and Kurogane was willing to do just that.

"You know what happens if you just go to bed," The raven answered as he pulled the blonde into his lap. Turing his head to the side he whispered, "Just take what you need."

Fai gave a soft sigh, he knew from the times in infinity country that it was almost impossible to argue with Kurogane on this subject and at the moment he was too far gone into bloodlust to resit.

To someone who knew nothing about Kurogane and Fai they would just think that the scene in front of them was just like the one in the movie, however there was one main difference neither of them was doing anything they did not want to do.

Fai sniffed at the skin of the raven's neck, trying to record the smell so that he would be able to remember it even after everything returned back to normal. This did not last long as the need to feed grew stronger, the blonde leaned closer to Kurogane as he stuck out his tongue to lick the general area. It was then that he opened his mouth revealing fangs that were defiantly sharper but not as long as the fangs that the vampire in the movie had. As he bit down (on what Fai could only describe as the most appetizing looking neck he had ever seen) he slowly began to drink- with every mouthful of the most delicious ambrosia the blonde had ever tasted he felt the vampire in him become more and more satisfied. He let out a possessive growl as he wrapped his arms around his prey and pushing him against the couch they were sitting on drinking more deeply. Finally after a minute or so he pulled back and just as the vampire in the movie let out a satisfied moan.

"Are you done now?" Kurogane asked words slightly slurred from blood loss.

The vampire looked down at his bait, blood coated lips gave a smile as he answered, "Yes, thank you Kuro for caring so much about me." he leaned closer to press his lips against the taller's.

The raven would have blushed if he had enough blood left in his system to do so. Seeing as he did not he just sat there and kissed back. The kiss broke off only a few moments after it started leaving both the the blonde and the raven with nothing else to do then to just go to bed for the night.

00o00o00o00o00o00o

"Hey Kurogane-san have you seen Fai-san this morning?" Syaoran asked when he walked into the kitchen to find Kurogane sitting at the table drinking something in a cup- surprised because usually at this time he would find Fai cooking them a huge delicious breakfast.

"No kid, I think he might still be sleeping." Kurogane answered as he took another sip of his coffee.

"Maybe you should check on him, he is usually up by now- what if something is wrong," Syaoran suggested.

Kurogane knew that was probably the case, maybe he was feeling sorry for himself again about the feeding the other night. Silently the raven put down his cup and sat up from his chair. "You're right," he answered as he made his way to the room Fai slept in.

"Hello and welcome to my lair~" Fai said once Kurogane opened the door. The second the raven saw what Fai was doing he almost wanted to smack himself in the face. There Fai was in a black tuxedo wearing one of the most cheesy capes he had ever seen, it also seemed as if Fai found his old eye patch because he was wearing that again as well.

"What the hell!" The taller growled as he realized the blonde was in the same attire that the vampire in the movie the other night was.

"It seems like I have come in contact with a pure untainted virgin, he will indeed make a good meal~" Fai said in an accent almost parallel to the vampire.

Kurogane could not but regret watching the movie with Fai, "Blondie you need to get your ass out into the kitchen the kid is hungry and you need to make some food."

"Ah it seems my prey is resisting, it won't be like that for long." Fai ignored what the other said and continued his act. "Kuro-sama I command you to come to me~" The vampire's eyes flashed golden for a second before turning back blue.

All of a sudden Kurogane's legs began to move on their own, taking him towards the blonde. "Hey what the hell are you doing asshole!" Kurogane demanded.

"Why I'm hypnotizing you my dear food~" Fai giggled obviously enjoying the whole act as he stuck out his hand, grabbing hold of the end of his cape and opening it slightly so there was a place for Kurogane to come to.

"How in the world are you doing that I don't recall you doing that when you actually were a vampire!"

"Ah that is because I am using magic as well as my vampyric abilities to pull this off," the blonde answered.

The raven tried as best he could to stop himself from reaching Fai but in the end it was all in vain. Once he got close enough the vampire wrapped his cape around him, just like in the movie. "And now you're all mine~" Fai whispered into the raven's ear, "They say that the blood of a virgin is the most delicious, are you a virgin Kuro-sama?"

Kurogane really did not want to admit he was, Fai had been the only one he had ever found himself attracted too so he never really had any reason to have sex before, even now kissing was as far as he ever gotten with Fai. "You already know the answer to that question don't you bastard." Kurogane growled, "Now stop with this stupid game it's not funny."

Fai suddenly dropped the accent as his voice became more deep sounding somewhat threatening "Well I'm guessing you are based on how you tasted Yesterday, is that why you are so nervous? You don't need to be. You were so willing to give up your blood for me yesterday why are you resiting now?"

Kurogane was taken back by surprise once Fai dropped the accent he actually sounded kinda scary. "You know damn well why I'm resiting, its because a certain idiot I know decided to play out a non funny joke and make an entire fool of himself.

"Hnm I wonder who that idiot is~" Fai teased as he pushed his body against the taller's

Kurogane knew Fai was baiting him, _Well then if that is the case then I won't play along._ He thought to himself.

"So then Kuro-tasty will you give me your blood?~" The blonde purred as he inched closer to the taller's neck, his voice sounding as sinister as Kurogane had ever heard it before.

Kurogane tensed up, when Fai wanted to feed there was really no stopping him especially since he already was as close to the other as he was. The raven was still recovering from the other night and he did not think it would take much blood to knock him out- he closed his eyes and hoped it would be over soon.

Fai moved closer to the others neck, "Just kidding~" he suddenly stated as he pulled away and began to laugh. "ahahaha Oh my Kuro-sama you actually looked scared there, ahahaha like a lost little puppy." the vampire laughed.

The raven felt so humiliated how could he actually be fooled by the blonde? "THAT'S IT WIZARD WHEN I GET MY HAND ON YOU YOU'RE JUST GOING TO WISH THAT YOU NEVER EXISTED!" Kurogane boomed.

"That is you can catch me first~" Fai said as he continued to laugh and ran out of his room.

Oo000ooo000oo00

Syaoran told himself that he was going to wait patiently for his "parents" to come out but they were in Fai's room for so long and he started to worry. Maybe they were having a fight, he would not put it past them- that was the though that scared him the most, he had seen both men when they were truly pissed off and it was not a pleasant sight.

Slowly he walked over to Fai's room, he had decided to see what was going on for himself. He was just about to open the door when it swung open from the other side and a familiar blonde ran out of the room wearing some of the weirdest clothing he had ever seen. Not far behind him was Kurogane chasing after the blonde while yelling lots of words that Syaoran would not even dare to repeat. The kid watched the two adults play their game of cat and mouse once again and decided that maybe it would be a little bit too fatal to try to stop them now.

_Maybe I'll just go back to bed, yeah I'll just do that,_ cautiously The kid made his way to his room and silently wished that this time the two of them would not cause their neighbors to call the police again.

**Well the idea for this fic came when a friend asked me to write a fic about Fai in a Dracula costume. So since I completed her request I have to ask, does anyone else have any crack request they want fore filled? I will be more then happy to grant that request for the price of a review.**


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